The Wizard of Slayers
by Kawaii Otaku of Doom
Summary: Zelgadis finds himself in a strange land in which scarecrows that love Mandy Moore, pissed off tinwomen, and really ugly socks run rampant.WARNING! Mild Amelia bashing. Don't come if you're just going to flame me about it.
1. Chapter 1!

**The Wizard of Slayers**

Zelgadis Greywords woke up with a start. He looked around, wondering what woke him up. He soon found out as he looked out the window. The inn he had been staying at had been lifted off the ground by a raging tornado. As he looked down he saw Lina, Gourry, and Amelia shouting and waving up to him. Luckily the wind drowned out his voice as he screamed back at them.

Zel tried to think on his feet. If he tried to Ray Wing down, it was very likely he would be blown away by the tornado. But if he stayed it the cartwheeling inn, who knew what could happen. Suddenly a table came sliding very quickly toward him. He tried to duck—bad idea. The table smacked him in the forehead smartly. After swooning for a couple of minutes, Zel checked the window. He rubbed his eyes and blinked rapidly. There, riding on a broomstick and cackling at him, was Martina. Zelgadis rubbed his forehead and wondered if he was hallucinating. He sighed with relief when Martina zoomed out of sight.

Suddenly there was a large WHOOMPH! and then everything was still. Zel peeked out the front door of the inn and made a mental note to see a psychiatrist. He was in what seemed to be a town square, only with bright primary colors and strangely shaped houses. He stepped outside and looked around the square. Looking back to the inn, Zel recoiled at a pair of tacky stockings curling underneath the wooden structure. _Those red and yellow stripes are just—just—wrong! _he thought.

"Hello mister. May I be of any service?" asked a mellow voice. Zel jumped. A long haired, green-eyed maiden was standing where before there was nothing.

"S-Sylphiel?" Zelgadis stuttered. He looked her up and down. She was wearing a bubble-gum pink princess gown and carrying a matching sceptor. "What are—why are you...?"

"What star have you come from?" she asked, leaning toward him.

Zel sighed, "Dammit..." He whapped his forehead when Sylphiel began to sing, _Zelgadis-chan he came from afar! And Dammit, he says, is the name of the star!—_Background singers appeared out of nowhere—_Dammit, he says, is the name of the star! _The singers poofed out. Sylphiel cracked an eye open and gasped.

"Did you kill the Wicked Witch of the East?" She said breathlessly and pointing to the inn.

Zel shrugged. "Oh, the ugly socks? If that was what it was, yeah." He flinched as Sylphiel shrieked with delight.

"Oh, oh! This calls for a celebration! Oh muuuunch-kinnns!" She called.

"Munchkins?" Zelgadis sweatdropped. More sweatdrops appeared as little chibis

began jumping out of the bushes singing, _Ding dong! The witch is dead. Which ol' witch? The wicked witch!_ Steam began pouring from his oversized ears and a tic developed over his left eye. "WILL SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO GET BACK HOME?" He yelled, making the chibis freeze where they stood.

"Oh...in that case..." muttered Sylphiel looking down at her pink pumps, "you need to see the wizard"

"The wizard?"

"Yes, the wizard! He lives in the Emerald City." She said, suddenly cheery. The chibis looked around at each other, grinned, and sucked in their breath. _Weeeeeee're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Slayers!_

"Yes...a psychiatrist...would be good...very good..." said Zel to himself, groaning.


	2. Chapter 2!

The chibis sang for about an hour. Zelgadis swore his ears must have been bleeding.

"Now that that's settled," sighed Sylphiel, in a businesslike manner, "you will need some new footwear."

"Footwear?" Zel asked tentatively. He groaned inwardly as she pulled out ruby-encrusted flats from the plothole in her gown. "Uh, don't you have something more...more...travel-friendly?"

"Way ahead of ya." said a chibi Zangulus with a nasal, high-pitched voice, "try these." He pulled out a pair of deep red work boots.

Zel sighed with relief. "Thanks. You're a lifesaver."

"No prob." Chibi Zangulus winked and poofed out.

Zel pulled on the boots. "Now what?" he asked.

A bright grin spread slowly across her face, "Ohhhhhhhh! The next part. Yes. You need tooooooo..."

_Follow the yellowbrick road! Follow the yellowbrick road! Follow follow follow follow follow the yellowbrick road!_ The chibis grabbed his arms and dragged him down the bright yellow path.

"Skip!" ordered a Filia chibi in a squeaky voice, "SKIP!"

"Alright alright!" Zelgadis reluctantly shuffled his feet to the beat of the song.

He said a silent_ yes!_ to himself as the chibis left him behind and he traveled the gaudy road alone.

"Finally I can be alone." he allowed himself a little smile at Lina fireballing the crooning chibis—maybe even Sylphiel too if she was in a bad mood. Zel looked up. He was at a fork in the road. There was no sign pointing to "Emerald City" so all he could do was hazard a guess.

"Need a hand?"

"Arghh! Who's there!" Zelgadis looked around frantically. Nobody there but a scarecrow. Wait, the scarecrow...

"I said, need a hand?" repeated the scarecrow, who looked uncannily like Gourry. The scare-Gourry flopped a straw-stuffed arm at Zel, but couldn't move much for the pole he was fastened to.

"Do _you_ need a hand?" Zelgadis asked, motioning to the pole.

"Oh, this." Gourry sighed. "I have been hanging here for as long as I can remember. Which isn't all that long, now that you mention it," he added.

"I didn't mention it." Zel sweatdropped.

"Well, in answer to your question, yes I very much need some help."

Zelgadis untied him easily. Dusting himself off and grinning widely, Gourry said, "Thanks buddy! Say, are you off to see the wizard?"

"The wizard?"

"Yeah, the wizard! You know him?"

"Why yes. Actually, I'm off to see him now..." Zel clapped a hand over his mouth immediately.

_Weeeeee're off to see the wizard..._

"Fireball." Zel grumbled. "So why do you want to know?" he asked Gourry, who was on his knees searching for the source of the singing.

"Who me? Oh, I need to see him about a brain."

"A brain?" Zelgadis was sure he would have run out of sweatdrops at this point, but nonetheless, it appeared, plump and sweatdroppy, on the back of his head. "Do I even _want_ to ask?"

"Well, the guy who made me stuffed me alright, nice good quality straw, too. But he forgot one thing."

"The brain?"

He tapped his temple. "Yep."

"Well, what did I expect?" Zel whispered to himself. Then aloud, "Well, come on then."

"Gee, thanks!" Gourry jumped for joy and grabbed Zel's arm, skipping down the street.

"Who says 'gee' anymore?" murmered Zelgadis under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Oh, I said, 'I can see...Mandy Moore.'" He cringed at his lame excuse.

"Ohmigod where? SHE IS SOOOO MY IDOL!" Gourry shrieked. Zel decided not to let anything bother him or sweatdrop-ify him anymore. Little did he know, the worst was yet to come.


	3. Chapter 3!

They ambled down the road at an excrutiatingly slow pace. Chibis hidden in the bushes kept bursting into chorus, and everytime this happened, Gourry crouched down and looked for the cause. This retarded their progress greatly.

Zelgadis, however, didn't mind as he was deep in thought. If the wizard could get him home, and give Gourry the yogurt-brain some common sense, then wouldn't this Wizard guy be able to change him back to normal? Sylphiel had seemed to think a lot of the Wizard, but then again, she _was_ head over heels in love with Gourry.

Zel glanced over at the swordsman/part-time scarecrow. He was currently staring at the cloudless sky, mouth gaping open.

"Probably wondering why it's blue." Zel murmured.

"Pardon?"

"Uhhh... ♫ If ya knew Peggy Sue... ♫ " Zelgadis pretended to sing. He had always been terrible with thinking on his feet. He prefered to sit in a dark room full of books and ponder agonizingly over every detail.

"Ooooh I love that song! Buddy Holly, right?" Gourry continued blahblahing about Buddy and his major achievements, and had proceded to launch into a long speach about how The Beatles were overrated, when Zelgadis noticed there hadn't been any Chibi-song attacks lately. He looked up, and noted the cloudless sky was now less cloudless, and more leaning toward cloud_ful_. He scratched his head and again longed for that dark room of books.

"Ternbach." said Gourry.

"What?" said Zelgadis distractedly.

"Ternbach. It's on that sign right there, see?" Gourry pointed at a wooden picket sign at the opening to a forest.

TURN BACK 

After recovering from the fact that Gourry couldn't read two simple single-syllable words, Zelgadis realized what the words were telling him to do. Looking at the ominous woods with bats and bugs and shining red eyes glaring from behind a tree...

Wait...WHAT!

Zel prepared to cast a Ra Tilt at the monster. White light glowing in his palm hidden behind his back, Zel creeped toward the crimson gaze. Slowly, he concentrated the power, started the incantation...

"FIREBALL!"

Zelgadis, not expecting the sudden attack, flew backward several feet, burnt to a crisp. He gaped in horror and surprise as a firey-tressed figure stepped out from behind the tree.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU THINK A RA TILT'S GONNA BEAT ME! I DON'T_ THINK_ SO!" Lina screamed inches from his face. She was clad in a metal suit, with a queer, strangely-shaped hat sitting on top of her wavy hair.

"Oh hiya Lina! How've you been?" Gourry waved jovially, still smoking slightly.

"Hey Gourry. As I was saying, YOU BETTER NOT TRY THAT AGAIN, BAKA! OR ELSE I'LL PULL A DRAGON SLAVE ON YA!" Lina shook Zel back and forth to make sure he paid attention.

"Yes—yes ma'am!" He whimpered. Lina was not someone he wanted to cross. Sighing, Lina dropped Zel to the ground.

"Hey, so where ya going, you two?" she asked quietly, calming down at last.

"We're off to see the wizard!" said Gourry.

Zelgadis yelled, "GOURRY, NOOOO!" but it was too late.

_Weeeeeeer'e off to see the wizard! The wonder—_

"Fireball." Lina muttered. The chibis went up in a poof of smoke with a faint _squeak! _"That's better. So you're going to see the wizard? Would you uh, would you mind if I..."

"Yes?" Gourry prompted.

"Could I, um, join you?" Lina blushed.

"Sure you can!" Zelgadis said hastily, not wanting to get on the sorceress's bad side. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you want to ask him for?"

Lina mumbled incoherently.

"Come again?" Gourry cupped his ear.

"I need...a...I need a heart." Lina stared intently at the ground.

Zelgadis laughed, without thinking. He had assumed she would ask for a larger chest! He voiced this. Big mistake.

"YOU WHAAAAAT! OH I AUGHTA BURN YOU ALIVE!"

Meanwhile, Gourry gawked at the sky, oblivious to the spells whizzing past him. "Blue...blue..."


	4. Chapter 4!

Hey guys, sorry about the wait! I was on vacation. ; But all is well! We meet the "lion" today...

The trio moved down the path much quicker now that Lina the Tinwoman was urging them along through the forest. In fact, some might say that they were sprinting.

"COME BACK HERE YOU NEANDERTHALS!" screamed Lina, casting Fireballs left and right.

"You know," Gourry panted to Zel. "I've known Lina for awhile now. She is a bit premenstrual, I have found."

"WHAT?" Zelgadis almost tripped over a log.

"Oh wait, maybe that's not the right word. Productive? Prevailing?"

"Predictable?"

Gourry snapped his fingers. "Yeah that's it! Predictable. So as I was saying, I know what she's gonna do. And once she's bored of fireballs, she might start using something bigger like..."

"Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows..."

"Like that, yeah! Lina you read me like a book." The blonde chortled, still running roughly the speed of a bullet.

With a "yikes!" and a stumble of stone feet, Zelgadis found himself on the ground, right in front of a steaming, smirking sorceress.

"Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows." Lina's evil grin grew wider.

"Oy, Zel! Watcha doin'?" Gourry had returned.

"Save yourself! Don't worry about me!" Zel said dramatically. Secretly he'd always wanted to say that after reading it in a book.

Lina was now almost unable to recite the spell for the maniacal laughter now taking over her. However, to Zelgadis's dismay, she continued.

"—Mwahahahahahah DRAGON SL--"

_Idiots and sorceresses and justice freaks, OH MY!_

"Oh for the love of L-Sama not those midget freakazoids again!" Lina said exasperatedly, and the growing ball of power in her hand shrank to nothing.

"But what are they singing? It's kinda catchy." The blonde began slapping his thigh in rhythm to the chibis' chant.

"Yeah, that is weird. It's almost as if they're talking about us." Lina scratched her head and looked at the surrounding brush where the chibis hid.

Zel thought. "Well, we have the 'idiot'" he murmered, jerking his thumb in the direction of Gourry. Glancing over his shoulder, Zel saw he was still slapping his leg.

"And the sorceress." Lina struck a dramatic pose.

"Ah...yes...but what about the justice fr—" Zel's eyes grew. "Oh, God."

Suddenly he heard a thud behind him. _It can't be, just CAN'T be... _he thought desperately. Bracing himself, Zelgadis turned around.

"And just WHO are YOU?" Amelia pointed her index finger at him, and then proceded to point at his two companions. "Trespassers? How DARE YOU?"

Gourry attempted to explain, the thigh-slapping forgotten. "You see, we're off to see..."

"A sorcerer!" Interjected Zelgadis. "NOT a wizard. Certainly not." He stole glances at the brush, in which he could see tiny accusing eyes peering out of.

"Oh reeaallyy?" Amelia loomed over them menacingly. "Then you wouldn't mind if I..."

"I-if you what?" Gourry stuttered.

"If I...joined you on your quest?"

This caught Zel completely off guard. Which meant he wasn't thinking properly. And Amelia OBVIOUSLY brainwashed him with justice speaches over the years. Or at least this is what he told himself when he found his mouth saying "Sure. You can come."

Later along the winding forest trail Lina asked, "Hey Amelia. What is it you want to ask the wiz—I mean sorcerer?"

"Oh that." Amelia looked down, blushing. "I really want...some common sense and to stop giving annoying justice speaches"

MEANWHILE IN THE GORGEOUS, INTELLIGENT AUTHOR'S ROOM

"Hey!" accused a chibi. "That's not how the story goes!"

The gorgeous, intelligent author sighed. "Oh alright. If you insist." She pulled out her giant eraser and began rubbing. After she had blown away the last of the eraser debris, she began to write again.

NOW, BACK TO THE STORY

"Okayyyy that was strange." said Lina. "Now what was that you were saying?"

"I really want...some courage."

"HUH!" All of them said at once.

"But Amelia," said Zel, "you're extremely brave. To the point of being stupid."

"Well yeah, but.." Amelia took a deep breath. "Since I'm to be queen one day, I need all the courage I can get. And you know how shy I am around people."

"Unless they had a history of jaywalking." Lina muttered in Zelgadis's ear.

Gourry clapped the princess on the back. "I guess you have a point. Now, let's go to the Emerald City!"

_Weeee're off to the the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Slayers!_


	5. Chapter 5!

Zelgadis, Gourry, Lina, and Amelia were reaching their final destination. Chibi songs were just a normal part of the journey. And hunger, unfortunantly, was as well.

"Foooood, I need fooooooood." Lina moaned. Her stomach roared menacingly on a regular basis.

"Buck up, Lina. We're sure to be out of this forest soon enough." Gourry comforted her in his usual big-brother way.

"Yes, Mr. Gourry's right Ms. Lina." said Amelia. "Oh! I have an idea to make you feel better!"

"Do I dare ask what it is?" Lina grumbled not unlike her stomach was.

"You must think on the bright side! Just keep repeating 'Life is wonderful! Life is wonderful!'

Lina sobbed with hunger.

Zel was only half-listening to the conversation. He was pondering how he would casually request for his body to become normal again when they finally came across the Wizard.

"'Please, take me home, your...' Majesty? Grace? Ah, whatever. 'Oh, and before we leave, could you possibly change me back into a human? Oh thank you! You certainly are most wise.' No, that's not right at all."

"Zel, quit bellyaching, 'cuz my bellyache is FAR worse than yours!" Lina snarled.

Meanwhile, in Martina the Witch's castle, a brew of trouble was being prepared.

"Ahhh hahahahahah ha! Lina Inverse, your doom is inevitable!" Martina grinned into the crystal ball she was gazing into. She had gone to the gorgeous and intelligent author's den and demanded that she have a bigger part in the story. The reply was, "Eh, sure."

"By the power of Zomelgustar, I will smite you, you little pathetic flat-chested witch!" she laughed maniacally. "I raised all that money making all those flowers, and now it is about time my hard work went to use!" She watched in the crystal ball as her flying monkey minions dumped a ton of cursed paper flowers in the field outsde the entrace of the forest. "DIE, LINA, DIEEEE!" Martina twitched uncontrollably.

Gourry looked up. "Hey, the forest is clearing!" and he was right.

"You're right! I think I see the Emerald City!" Lina laughed and ran into a field of flowers.

Zelgadis and Amelia jogged after them. "Does anything strike you strange about these flowers, Mr. Zelgadis?"

Zel looked down at the flowers crunching under his feet. Yet for some reason they weren't dying. For what other reason would a flower cruch? Zel stopped. "These flowers are fake." he said.

"What? Fakes?" Lina looked down and picked one up. Hey, these are only paper!" The flower drifted from her hand. Lina collapsed.

"LINA!" Gourry screamed dramatically. He started to run toward her, but then he fell to the ground as well. He was followed shortly by Amelia.

"What in the..." Zel found himself becoming woozy. Blackness. He awoke what seemed to be a few moments later to find a gorrilla-like creature staring at him.

"Oh, so you've awakened, Zelgadis...chan?" Martina said, starry eyed.

"Oh no, not you," Zelgadis mumbled.

"Oh, hahaha! Doesn't know what he's saying!" Martina giggled nervously at the gorrillas, who only seemed to care about the straw in Gourry's hat.

"Teehee! That tickles!" Gourry laughed.

After recovering from a severe case of sweatdrops, Zelgadis turned back to Martina. "So why did you bring us here in the first place?"

"Too get rid of Lina Inverse, of course!" she cackled.

"Hee...I'm a math term...Inverse? Get it?" Lina slurred, still half-concious. "Lina likes Lazy Town, it's fun...ny..." she fell back, unconcious once more.

"My plan is to keep her here and torture her, while you three others work as my slaves!" Martina explained, ignoring Lina.

"Why did you tell me your plans?" Zel asked. "Now I can make a plan to escape."

Martina's face fell. "I hadn't thought of that." She scratched her head and rubbed her chin, hoping to think twice as cleverly. "Oh well, my plan is foolproof and is destined to go well! The Wizard told me so." she smirked at Zel.

_Well, this puts us in a fix...If the Wizard is wrong about Martina's plan, then how are we to know he'll be right with our predicaments? On the other hand, if he's right, then we'll stay here! And I don't want to think about the kind of things she'll do to us..._ Zel shuddered at the thought. And then it came to him: the Perfect Plan.


End file.
